Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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