the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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