she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
