Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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