she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
