sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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