Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
