from now on my penis is your penis
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
