Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
