your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I need a beard to bite.
Randomize
