I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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