You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
