dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
