I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
