I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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