if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
