she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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