No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You are the jesus of drinking
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
