I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
