my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
