I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
