I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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