I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
