if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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