yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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