Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
