I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
