I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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