watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
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by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
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He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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