just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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