I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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