haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
