A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I met the friendliest cop last night
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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