3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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