I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
