I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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