So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Randomize
