Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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