my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
