just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
