i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
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You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
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THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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