i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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