We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize