I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
