I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
