i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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