Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
