We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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