I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
