Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
