hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
