i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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