the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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