my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
FUCK WHALES
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