May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
