Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
