and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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