I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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