it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I AM VODKA MAN
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He? As in you personified your dick?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
